This is a little bitter, but man I love it! Author unknown...

Congratulations on the purchase of your brand-new high-end road bike. Along with a pie plate, a set of reflectors, and more legal disclaimers than a Levitra commercial, your bicycle also comes with certain inalienable rights, and simply purchasing and owning this bicycle confers these rights onto you. Be sure to know these rights and to act accordingly while operating your machine.

I) The Shop That Sold You The Bike Is Indebted To You Forever

Like libraries, Planned Parenthood clinics, and public restrooms, bike shops only exist for your convenience and betterment, and should not be expected to act in their own self-interest. As such, buying a bicycle at the end of the season for a 30% discount means the shop should demonstrate its gratitude to you for as long as you live. After all, between the substantial discount and the man-hours spent serving you and building the bicycle, they almost made a profit! Remind them of that every time they won't fix something for free, or ask you to pay for a water bottle, or bother you as you spend three hours trying on clothes so you know what size Primal jersey to order from Performance.

II) You Can Now Race Absolutely Everybody

Owning a high-end road bike means you are now part of the largest bicycle race in the world. Always remember that everybody on a road bike is engaged in a race at all times. That guy who seems to be simply spinning his legs out after a 90-mile training ride is actually attempting to lure you into complacency so that when you ride by he can pounce and beat you to the next stoplight. Don't let that happen! Other common ploys in which wily cyclists engage include: idly chatting with another rider; stopping to fix a flat; being hit by a car; and teaching a child how to ride. If you see another rider doing any of those things, attack immediately!

III) You Are Entitled To The Title Of Your Choice

Italian National Champion? Tour de France Champion? World Champion? If there's a jersey for it, you're entitled to it. That's right, under no circumstances should you feel awkward wearing the hardest-fought colors in the world of professional cycling on your relentless campaign to dominate the bike path. Not only is it your right to race everybody, but it's also your right to experience the sheer thrill of dominating them while wearing the coveted Maglia Rosa.

IV) You Are Entitled To Silky-Smooth Comfort At All Times

Cycling should never involve any discomfort, especially when you've paid top-dollar for a high-end road bike. Remember: if you feel any pain whatsoever while riding, it is the fault of the bicycle. Fortunately, there is always a component you can purchase (or demand your bike shop swap out for you at their cost) that can alleviate that pain. A bicycle should transmit no more road sensation to you than your Range Rover. If you feel the road in any way whatsoever, switch to a carbon fork. If you still feel the road, switch to carbon bars. If that doesn't work, get a carbon stem. If it still doesn't work, get some gel-filled gloves and handlebar tape so that you feel like you're grasping an overripe avocado.

V) You Should Never Have To Know What It Feels Like To Lose

When you buy a Mercedes or BMW, you get instant respect. As you drive by, people rightfully think to themselves, "Wow, that's somebody more important and successful than me." Well, it's no different with your bike. Woody Allen once said, "90% of success is just showing up." Similarly, 90% of being good rider is looking like a good rider, and you should never have to suffer the indignity of doing poorly in a race, or being dropped, or being schooled by riders on bikes that cost less than your wheelset. It's entirely reasonable to expect your bicycle to deliver instant results. If it doesn't, then something's wrong with the bike. Immediately inspect your bicycle and replace faulty components with more expensive ones.

VI) You Are Now Part Of The Club

Being a cyclist or bike racer is about one thing and one thing only: owning a bike. So don't expect any hazing, or funny looks, or jokes at your expense. Don't expect to have to learn to race before joining a racing team. Don't expect to suffer, or to get dropped, and don't expect to pay any dues. If you bought the right bike, you will enjoy immediate respect. If you're unsure of which bike to ride, simply read the manufacturer's website copy. It will tell you in no uncertain terms what you can expect. Congratulations, and welcome to the world of competitive cycling.

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Now playing: Special AKA - Nelson Mandela
via FoxyTunes

We had a decent day at the store today; got the work done, got caught up in the office, great customers, great weather, and this gem of a quote, from a customer visiting from out of town, riding his Bike Friday.

Jim, speaking with the customer about the Ritchey Breakaway bicycles we love and sell:
"Yep, the great thing about the Ritchey is that it's easy to assemble, and when you ride it, it handles just like a nice road bike- you can't even tell you're on a travel bike."
Customer:
"Well, I just love the Bike Friday- it's an exquisite ride- have you ever ridden one?"
Jim- "Uhh...yep, yep I have..."
Customer- "It's just an exquisite ride, amazing."

Now, I am not really much of a connoisseur, I mean, I know nice bikes- that's easy for me, and what I am best qualified to "judge". And yet, at the same time, I can definitely appreciate exquisite things in life: Dining at Frasca in Boulder?- exquisite. A spa treatment at Ten Thousand Waves in Santa Fe?- exquisite. Curling your toes in the warm sand of a beach in Maui while watching the sunset?- exquisite. But a Bike Friday? To each his own, but I would describe the ride of a Bike Friday as "utilitarian" or "better than walking" or at best "interestingly strange".

But honestly, I am not meaning to poke fun, or come off as an ass (I know, I am achieving both), so I am truly psyched that this gentleman has found something he loves, to the point of describing it as such, with no reservations or fear. That is exquisite in itself, I suppose, isn't it?

More Things On Which to Waste Your Money

This "industry" (bike) has become a marketing driven monster. A new product surfaces every 8 minutes that is designed to be better, stronger & faster (who does that remind you of?)

Well, all of you gotta have it now types with gads of cash just falling out of your Armani pockets- here you are. Just in time to take all of the fun out your riding- the Rocket Science Sports aerodynamic water bottle. It's from a company that:

"...provides the athlete with quality products not only geared to enhance performance but also to provide a refreshingly cool look that will be sure to make heads turn."

This bottle is a normal shaped bottle that has hundreds of little dimples all over it, like a golf ball, to break up the laminar flow of air across its surface, blah, blah. What the hell. I mean, most people couldn't average 18 mph over a flat 20 miles. How is a dimpled water bottle going to make them faster?

"The majority of drag associated with water bottles results from the separation of airflow causing what's known as pressure drag. Air flowing past a traditional smooth exterior water bottle separates quickly resulting in a high pressure drag. Bottle holds up to 20oz of your favorite beverage. "

When I read that, the only beverage I can think of is frickin' Jack Daniels.

I would argue that the majority of drag associated with water bottles has less to do with any separation of airflow and more to do with gobs of sticky hydration drink that has spewed out of the bottle because the rider is too hypoxic from their effort to remember to shut the damn thing. Then the goo drips down their downtube, to the bottom bracket cable guide where it turns to glue covering the shift cables and guess what? they can't shift their gears. What is slower? A "standard" water bottle, or a rider standing on the side of the road fiddling with his rear derailleur barrel adjuster for 5 minutes?

In it's defense, the D.D.W.B. (damn dimpled water bottle) is only $7, which is only $2 more for the wind-tunnel-proven-slow Vecchio's water bottle.
So if you have to have one, I've included the link above. Spend to your heart's content...just be careful, all the folks whipping their heads around to catch a glimpse of you being fashionable might slap you with some sort of lawsuit for their injuries.

Thanks for reading...

Alright. So it's been a long summer. It's been a fun and great summer, too, but it's been a bit tedious at times. There have been a lot of guys (and gals) coming in with some sort of emergency. It usually plays out something like this:

Customer- "Hey, I was wondering if you could help me out. I've got this REALLY important race ("race" usually means it's a charity ride with multiple rest stops and a free t-shirt) coming up and I've been training for it for like 6 months and I had to register for it 3 months ago and I've spent about 12 hours reviewing the course profile and 6 hours putting all of my gear ratios into an Excel spreadsheet and 1 hour taping the gear combo cheat sheet onto my stem. Now the last thing I need to do is get my bike completely overhauled."
Bike shop guy- "Well...okay. When is the event?
Customer- "Well, it's tomorrow."

So the question that we are always asking to ourselves when this interaction takes place is "If you've been planning this for ride/race/event for months and months, why didn't you plan to get your bike in working order sooner than the day before?"

Please try to avoid this behavior - your bike mechanic will be much more receptive to your requests and ultimately do a much better and more thorough job when you plan in advance to have your bike serviced.
Thanks

Some interesting things pop into your mind when you're workin' in the bike shop 50-80 hours a week.
These are the names we come up with for bikes/components/accessories that suck some/all the time or at least suck when we're having trouble with them:

Ergo-Throw, Ergo-Poo, Ergo-Fro, Eject-O-Mo
(the Ergomo Power Meter)

Open-Throw, Open-Ho
(Mavic's Open Pro rim)

Can-O-Ale, JackHammer, Ca-non-da-lay (the French way of saying:)
(Cannondale)

Open Sore V.D.
(The predecessor to the Open Pro- the Open 4CD rim)

Shrek, Truck, Wreck, MicrosoftGMCocaColaGEHaliburtonWalMart
(anything Trek)

Special Ed, The Great Consolidator, The Evil Empire
(Specialized- great- now Sinyard is gonna come after me)

Be Raunchy
(Bianchi)

se rota ("itself is broken" in Italian, loosely- cut me some damn slack)
(Serotta)

Power Crap
(duh)

Cramp and Go Slow
(Campagnolo, made up about 1138 years ago)

Shitmano
(duh- and shut up, I ride and like Shimano)

Please note if you have any strong affinity with any of these brands- the above comments are nothing but pet names assigned in frustration or when we see odd stuff with a certain product. I am in no way dissing what you ride or making any sort of judgement about you or your bike. We have to have some sort of fun sometimes. Get over it.

I know that there's already been a book written about life in the bike shop, and it's a good one, written by our friend Maynard Hershon, available here. But this is something that plays out nearly once or twice a week, but with out the dramatic ending, usually. So I couldn't resist...

So here's the request:
If you've been searching for weeks on end for some bizarre, N.L.A. part that hasn't been made in like 43 years and you find it, EXPECT TO PAY A BIT, OR A LOT, MORE FOR IT! This is S.O.P. for any N.O.S. part. (If you don't know these acronyms, then you probably don't give a shit about what I'm writing...) If you're a cheapskate, keep that info to yourself- shit, man, enough people already know it about you, so what's the point in getting more press?
Your friendly and knowledgeable bike shop guy, contrary to popular opinion, is really invested in your situation, at least in the moment. The good stores pay (or at least try to pay) decent money for the guys that know their shit, and when you nickel & dime the store for something you've "been looking all over for" you dis-respeck all of their time spent living and loving the sport, and that's not cool.
Thanks for putting up with my crap.

Great.
Now Tim and Skye and everyone else even remotely associated with Swobo are gonna kick my ass. No calls from a team of lawyers, no Cease & Desist order. Just a swift beat down.
The genesis of this all comes from my great admiration of How To Avoid The Bummer Life and my more than 23 years of seeing the lamest stuff done to otherwise well meaning bikes.
This will not be in any way, shape or form a forum for basing on bikes that don't fit into some neat and clean category. Likely it'll morph into a stupid tips and tricks kinda thing, or I'll realize that I simply don't have the time to write to one freaking blog, let alone FOUR, and delete it...
*Disclaimer*
I do not aspire to the journalistic heights attained by HTATBL, nor do I claim to be able to do so, so fuck you.